Kindness in Leadership: It’s a Virtue, Not a Weakness

My mom used to tell me, “You catch more flies with honey than vinegar.”

I heard that phrase countless times growing up.

As I've gotten older, I've realized just how much of that lesson I carried with me, not only in my personal life, but throughout my career and into the way I lead people today.

I lead with kindness.

And I don't mean “nice.”

There is a difference.

Kindness in leadership doesn't mean avoiding hard conversations. It doesn't mean letting people walk all over you. It doesn't mean lowering expectations, ignoring poor performance, or being afraid to hold someone accountable.

Kindness is a virtue. And I believe it's a strength.

Most things in my life I've tried to handle with kindness, and when I look back over the years, it has worked in my favor far more often than it hasn't.

Why?

Because kindness builds trust.

When people trust me, they talk to me.

And when people talk to me, I get to hear their side of the story. I gain perspective. I understand things I may not have understood if I had walked into the conversation angry, defensive, or determined to prove that I was right.

That doesn't mean the other person is right.

Sometimes I still have to correct them.

Sometimes I have to coach them.

Sometimes I have to hold them accountable.

And sometimes, as a leader, I have had to fire them.

I've only had to terminate seven people who worked under my leadership.

That's not something I'm proud of or something I ever set out to do. My goal has always been the opposite: I want people to succeed.

I'll coach you. I'll talk to you. I'll try to understand what's getting in your way. I'll give you the tools I can.

As the saying goes "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink."

I've said for years, “I don't fire people. People fire themselves.”

Eventually, people make choices. My responsibility as a leader is to make expectations clear, give people a fair opportunity to meet them, and then hold them accountable for the choices they make.

But accountability doesn't require cruelty.

Even when I've had to let someone go, I could still treat that person with dignity and kindness.

In fact, of those seven terminations, only two became truly hostile or seemed completely oblivious to how we had gotten there. More often, the person sitting across from me wasn't angry with me. They were upset with themselves for disappointing me.

That has always stayed with me.

Because leadership isn't about making someone afraid of you.

It's about building enough trust that they know you're rooting for them and also know you'll tell them the truth.

I've seen the same thing outside of managing employees.

Throughout my career, people have gone out of their way to help me accomplish something simply because of the relationship we had built.

Vendors have taken my calls. Partners have helped solve problems. People have worked a little harder to help me find an answer.

Not because I demanded it.

Because relationships matter.

I've always had another philosophy in business:

My vendor today could be my customer tomorrow; my employee today could be my boss tomorrow.

Careers are long. Industries can be surprisingly small. People move around.

But that's not why I'm kind.

I don't treat people well because I think I might need something from them someday.

I treat people well because I believe that's how people should be treated.

It just happens to have worked incredibly well for me over the years.

Have there been times when kindness wasn't enough?

Absolutely.

There have been moments when I've had to become aggressive, push harder, draw a very firm line, or fight for the result I needed.

But those moments have been the exception, not the rule.

And maybe kindness stands out even more today because we seem to be living in a world where so many people are already prepared for a fight.

We're defensive.

We're confrontational.

We assume the worst.

Sometimes simply dealing with someone who says please and thank you, listens before responding, treats you with respect, and remembers that you're a human being feels unusual.

We've gotten to the point where basic manners can feel like kindness.

I don't want kindness to become unusual.

I want it to remain one of the virtues I choose to lead my life with.

My mom was right.

You really do catch more flies with honey than vinegar.

But what she taught me was bigger than that.

You can be kind and still be strong.

You can understand someone and still disagree with them.

You can care about someone and still hold them accountable.

You can lead with kindness and still lead.

I've spent most of my life doing exactly that.

And it's worked really well for me!

— Mandee ❤️